Disconnected

It's amazing how "disconnected" from the world you feel when you're without a computer. Mine recently failed on me when the fan, overheated and tangled in cat hair, died. With some luck and a new fan, we might yet be able to recover the data stored on that laptop, but in the meantime I've been given a new laptop to play with. Unfortunately it was during this past weekend that I was without a computer, and thus offline for several days.

I can picture it now, I'm sitting in front of the fireplace with my grand-kids and they're asking, "Grandpa, how did you survive without the internet?!" My answer, of course, would be, "We had to walk so many miles to the nearest mailbox to send mail, uphill and in the snow! And we had to read the newspaper, made with real paper."

It's probably worth noting that I also do not have cable TV, just an antenna with tin foil wrapped around it. The media I was then left with was my collection of DVDs (all of which I've seen at least twice), and some video games. With friends all studying for upcoming midterms, there wasn't much to be done outside the house. And so, faced with the sudden smallness of my condo, I was forced to survive without the internet. No hope of checking my e-mail every five minutes, no web surfing, no downloading of TV shows or music (among other things), and finally no MSN chatting. I felt like I was going out of my mind. "Hi, my name is Darren, and I'm addicted to the Internet."

Our growing dependence on electronic communication is symbolic of the times in which we live. This generation, known as Generation Y (a term that is highly disputed, and quite possibly moreso Generation X), has grown up during times wherein technology has been on the rise. Gen Y is sometimes referred to, perhaps more accurately, as The Net Generation, Millennials, and Echo Boomers. Our lifetimes will show the development of e-[anything], "Texting", iPods, and an overall increase in technology in the hands of the average everyday person. Without these things, much of what our lives consist of would not exist. Many of us spend countless hours on our cell phones, chatting with friends online, and generally surfing the web.

Such expressions as "LOL" (for Laugh Out Loud) and "WTF" (for What The Fuck) have become hallmarks of our generations ability to find faster and more efficient ways of communication. One might also notice the presence of web addresses in most commercials and TV shows; links to further enhance the substance and content of the media. Why is it that our lives revolve around the ever-present Internet? Why do we feel incomplete and secluded when we're unable to "Google" something?

For anyone from Generation X or earlier, this situation is even more evident. Most of them lived a long time without the World Wide Web, but are now so attached to it that daily functions become almost impossible. Ideally, the internet is a means for increasing efficiency of communications; in a sense, the Net is a new rung on the technological ladder, like radio broadcasts of days long past. However, a large majority of people use the internet the same as they do coffee. It's become an addiction of sorts in that we must have access at all times so that we can incessantly check our e-mail, read the same news articles over and over again, surf the same webpages looking for updates. To illustrate this, WestJet has recently implemented the ability to check-in for your flights online. The internet has become a necessity of life for many people.

With the emergence of wireless networks and BlueTooth technology, we've found new ways to stay connected. Gone are the days where cables and dial-up modems were absolutely necessary for a connection to the internet. As chips get smaller and smaller, and systems get more and more multi-functional, the capacity for technology to become a ruling factor in how society evolves is rapidly becoming a reality. Our children will one day look at us and say, "Why would you ever use stamps? That's so old-school!"

A Love Lost...

The past three weeks have been both exciting and painful. Allow me to tell you why...

It all began with a drink at a bar; a sideways glance and a slip of paper. Little did I know that this encounter would change my life forever. Etched into my mind, his image would remain until the end of time.

I called him later that week, wanting to know more about this mystery man. A Traveler, he told me, someone who had discovered the value of his good looks. We talked, learning about each other, and slowly bridging the distance between us. He gave me a glimpse into the world of Modeling, I gave him a glimpse of into the domain of Science.

Over the course of the evening, we shared ourselves on many levels, but alas we were forced to part until our next meeting. There would only be another of these rendez-vous before the eve of Valentine's Day.

He picked me up that evening, and drove us to a restaurant off the island: Nuances. As we shared a bottle of red wine, he told me of the coming change in his life. He would soon be leaving for Italia to work for a new agency. And though such news was thrilling, it would be the fork in our newly joined paths. We would be left with mere days before his departure for a new country, a new world.

As the countdown continued, we made the best of our remaining time together. When the final day arrived, I walked over to his flat, and there we shared an hour I will never forget. Passion and Fire, these words cannot convey the emotional dam that burst that fateful afternoon. Tears, a final embrace, then nothing.

What I retain is a memory, a dream that will never end. And no matter how far away he is, I know that I have at last had the opportunity to know true Love. If you've ever felt that you've known someone for a lifetime after only spending a small amount of time with them, then you know what I mean.

I believe that our paths were meant to divide, that Fate had a reason for taking Him away from Me. He is making his mark on the world, I have yet to find my place. Perhaps one day, he'll return...

"Seems like our love is on a road to no-where fast
All my life I thought a love like this would last
But every road can hide a corner
We can't see

I had a vision that I woke up by your side
I felt you breathing and our souls were intertwined
But who controls love's destiny
Not me

We had it all
Right in our hands
We had the space to fly
And still a place to land

So I'm calling out
I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on

I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been.

Maybe I'm young and in the ways of love naive
Maybe I'm desperate for a reason to believe
There wasn't any way that I thought that
We would fall

I've seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
I've seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
But loving you I thought was greater
Than them all

We had it all
Just you and me
Now there's a doorway to my heart without a key

So I'm calling out
I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on

I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been

Wherever you are right now
Come back and show me how you feel
Because I'm lost without you here

Calling out
I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on

And I'm reaching out
And praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
'Cause you're the only place my heart has ever been"

- Josh Groban, "You're The Only Place"

Find the Happiness Within

It used to be that around Valentine's Day, I would pack the apartment with junk food, pop, movies, and enough entertainment to carry me through this miserable day of fake love. This year, though, I will actually have a date and someone to spend an evening with. Maybe a nice casual dinner, a movie, and some wine (among other things). Sounds fine to me.

However, for the sake of tradition, I'm gonna tear down Valentine's Day anyways. For most of us, Valentine's Day does not symbolize love. It symbolizes the need to be in love so that society can't call you a sad lonely person. It symbolizes profits for companies that market and sell V-day crap. Gone are the days when Valentine's Day was a day for romance, and not last minute shopping for chocolates and roses. Future Shop has the right idea.

Guys rush out to buy lingerie, or candy, or jewelry that's somehow shaped into hearts. Girls wait for their man to remember it's a special day to celebrate their "love" for each other, only to receive gifts that either make them feel not-so-sexy, or gifts that benefit the guy more than the girl (that's for all you guys who buy lingerie for your girlfriends especially for Valentine's Day). And all for what? So that society can't say that this year is going to be another lonesome year without someone to love?

I guess what bugs me most about all of this, is that people fail to realize that they've become dependent on someone else for their happiness. "We place our happiness in other people's hands" sings Darren Hayes, lead singer of Savage Garden. In each of us, is the ability to be happy and feel love if only we'd stop to see it. There was a time when I was like this too. When I relied on boyfriends and friends to make me happy. What's more, silence and solitary moments became oppressive and suffocating. I needed the noise and distraction that can only be procured from interactions with other people. It wasn't until I got dumped for this very reason that I learned to love myself, and to enjoy being by myself. He said to me, "You need to learn to happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else." Truer words have never been spoken.

Essentially, your life ought to be at a level where you are already happy. Boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends should be extra to your pre-existing happiness. They should bring you higher, but not be required to satisfy that threshold. I have made this a philosophy to live by, a Golden Rule, if you will. These days, I find great solace in simply being alone, with time to reflect on what makes my life meaningful. That's not to say that I no longer enjoy being around other people, in fact I've become better connected with those around me since I discovered this ability to find happiness within myself. The circle of people close to you should cease to be crutches with which you would have supported yourself. They're seen as friends, people to be cherished not used.

That being said, I can now safely look back at all the years spent wishing I had a date or hating all those who did. And though I don't need a date to enjoy Valentine's Day, dating is still a fun thing to do. Especially when the guy sitting across the table looks like he just stepped out of a magazine....

Dreams, Cats, and Uncertainty...Just call me Schrodinger

I had a very weird dream last night, and it goes something like this...

I was living in NYC, going to school, hanging out with friends, going clubbing, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then one night I take my cat, and decide to have him rob a museum for me. My wack-job reasoning for this is that he can see in the dark, thus he can see the laser beams that are used for security. Furthermore, he's small enough that he can easily slip past said laser beams and get to the target. That target happens to be the Hope Diamond. I have also equipped my cat with a little baggie into which he will place this massive-assed diamond for safe transport back to me.

So I take my little kitty to the museum, find him a window to crawl through, and send him on his merry way to get me a little "bling" (yes, I said bling, try not to die laughing). In he goes and I watch him make his way across the floor. He gets right up to the pedastal where the diamond is sitting and hops up onto the ledge to reach it. So far everything is going according to plan. He places the diamond in the little baggie and proceeds to come back to me. It's at this point that I realize I haven't accounted for the extra height of the baggie (worn like a backpack) and thus he sets off the alarm by walking through a laser.

Fast forward to me being thrown into prison for attempting (and almost succeeding) to steal the Hope Diamond. Fast forward several more years, my parole hearing is passed, I'm released back into the world, only to find that I have absolutely no chance of ever working again because I'm an ex-convict.

The dream ends when, several years later, I find myself lying in a gutter, unable to feed myself since I have no money (or prospects, or a future for that matter), and the despair hits an all-time low. So I grab a shard of glass from a broken beer bottle, and before I have a chance to actually do what I intend to do, I wake up.

I'm not exactly sure what this all means, short of I have a crazy imagination where cats can steal diamonds, and I'm a genius for thinking it might actually work (ok, maybe genius is too strong a word; how about mastermind?). Anyways, the message I got from all of this has something to do with my post-University future. What do I do after I graduate? What kind of job do I want? And most importantly, how am I going to make a career out of what I have so far?

I was always taught that University was really just an extension of high school. And it is. Look at your friends and tell me how many of them came to University because a) their friends were also going, b) it was the "cool" thing to do, c) they didn't want to face the "real-world", or d) they didn't know what else to do. University is so much like high school sometimes I wish we were actually in high school so that it might all be justified somehow.

As most of us step out from the sheltering walls of the University campus, we face a daunting world. Taxes, mortgages, careers, families, suburbia and minivans. It's scary. We're finally at that point to which our parents have worked so hard to get us. But what have we gained from our time here? Memorizing books, papers, and facts. All useless non-sense when it comes to real life. How do you use knowledge of the function of a gene called EGF-Beta to survive? Unless you intend to become a doctor (in which case you've known this is the path you would be taking for a long time already), such knowledge will do you no good. So why then do we attend University? Because we'll get a little piece of paper that reads, "So-and-so has graduated with a Bachelor's in something. Signed, Mrs-so-and-so principal, yadda yadda yadda," right? Wonderful. Fan-fucking-tastic.

So, to bring this back to my original point, I look at what I have ahead of me. This summer I'm graduating with a Bachelors of Science in Biology. I intend to return to Calgary, take a certification course in Teaching English as a Second Language (TESL) and then I'll be going to China to teach for an undetermined amount of time. Following this, I'll be looking at applying to get my Masters in Education in Alberta, all the while keeping up with the latest in Science and Biology so that I can in fact teach these subjects. That, my friends is the end goal. To become a teacher. And not just any teacher, but a professor at a University. The reason for this being that I want students who want to learn. I want students who want to be in that classroom and who want to advance their understanding of the material I am going to present. How ironic, eh? I will someday be the professor urging students forward, while they struggle with the uncertainty of their futures. As a great man (robot/cyborg/whatever) once said, "The circle is now complete. When I met you I was but the Learner. Now, I am the Master." (Bonus point to whoever can name the speaker and movie).

I know that for most of you, graduation is a frightening thing. But it must be faced. How else can we grow if we don't face the dragons that block our paths (pardon the cliche)? Just remember to breathe, and to take things one step at a time. Hey, if a dream about a cat and the Hope diamond helped to renew my faith that I will find my way, then anything is possible. Cheers.

Village People

Last night I took some friends down to the Village for a first-hand experience that I'm sure they'll never forget. We went to Unity for a night of dancing, guy-watching, and just all-around fun. I thought going back to the Village woud be a little weird at first, but it's amazing how little things have changed in 3 years....

I guess I should go back a-ways and explain. When I first came out, my new boyfriend taught me what life as a queer could be. He took me out clubbing, helped me explore my sexuality, and introduced me to a never-ending stream of guys. Hot guys. We partied for 3 nights straight each weekend, drank a lot, smoked more than I care to remember, and fooled around plenty. It was a life of excess....perhaps too excessive. After a few months of non-stop clubbing, I started to tire of the whole scene. It wore me out, and I was beginning to wonder if this was all there was to being gay. That was 2002.

Well, once I stepped beyond the disco-balls and dancefloors, I found myself in a world where gays fought for rights, pushed the limits of the humanity, and bared themselves for the world to see. I joined Queer McGill and helped other students deal with their "coming out" experiences. I never strayed too far from the Village though. Every now and then I'd go back for a night of mindless and exhilirating fun. By this time I'd learned what it meant to dump and to be dumped, to have one-night stands, and to just go cruising in general. And why not? It wasn't hurting anyone, I was having a fabulous time, and life was rolling along smoothly. Some nights I'd even just go out for a few hours of dancing (it's a great way to work out by the way).

Eventually I stopped going all-together. The months passed and I found a life way outside of what I'd come to know as "clubbing." I discovered that straight clubs and bars were essentially the same thing, but in a more tame and restricted fashion. Girls didn't just accept invitations to leave with strangers, nor was there much sex being had in the bathrooms. There were rules, dress-codes, and etiquette. That's not to say that the Village is a place where sex is the only thing people desire. It's simply more "sexually liberated." That is, we live beyond what it means to be labelled "straight" or "gay." We have a full range of sexual behaviour and sometimes it has a way of going past what you'd normally expect.

So, going back to the Village last night brought back quite a few memories. Times when I'd prowled the bars looking for a new conquest, or simply gone with a partner to enjoy some fantastic music and dancing. But like I said, not much has changed. The same kinds of guys are there: "bois" dancing on speaker-boxes, older creepy guys leaning against the walls, and the usual fare crowding the dance floor. The atmosphere hasn't changed either. In fact, it was more sexually charged last night than I remember. Or maybe that's just because I've reached a level where I know what I can get and how to get it. Who knows?

In any case, I had a fabulous time and even managed to score a guy's number along the way. Looks like I know what I'll be doing this week....

Unwanted at the "Country Club"

When I was in grade school, my teachers always taught me that Canada is a multicultural country. We're not a melting pot like the U.S. where ethnic groups are assimilated into the whole. So if we're such a multicultural country, then why is there still so much intolerance present in our society?

Today, while out shopping with my friends, we encountered a pair of caucasian girls who thought it would be a good idea to make negative and rude comments about our ethnicity behind our backs. Though I didn't manage to catch all of what they were saying, it ran along the lines of, "look at that group of asians, they're all shopping together." Now I don't know about you, but I find that pretty offensive.

Why does this type of thing persist to this very day? Why is it necessary to denigrate people of other ethnicities for no apparent reason? I honestly felt like a person of colour at an all-"white" Country Club, where exclusivity is based on skin colour. Is that not so sad? I simply don't get it.

While I'll admit that yes all of us who were there were asian, that by no means defines us as individuals. Does hanging out with people from similar cultures make me a bad person? Or rather a person of lower standing worthy of being kicked around like trash? I guess to some people it does.

What I don't understand is how in a city as diversified as Montreal, such ignorance exists. You would think that in dealing with so many different and interesting people each day, this kind of daily interaction would make one a better person. That we might learn something new from people of different backgrounds ought to be an experience desired by all. Experiences in our lives shape the way we think and act. If this is true, then shouldn't people who live here be more well-rounded and accepting of other cultures?

Yes, that may be a very generalized statement, but I can hope can't I? I believe in a world where people see each other as human beings of equality. This is especially significant right now because February is Black History Month. Ignorance needs to become a relic of the past, and we as human beings need to do our best to make that happen. We need to educate the people around us, sharing our experiences and beliefs with them. But this is nothing more than dissemination of a single point of view if we don't also stop to listen to others and to hear what they have to say. A reciprocal relationship of listening and sharing thoughts, experiences, beliefs and values between ourselves and those around us is the ideal to which we all should aim.

Have the courage to rid our society of the poison that is ignorance here and now, such that we may create a better world for future generations.

Make the Leap of Faith

Who here has seen Brokeback Mountain? Or read the short story by Annie Proulx? If you have, then you probably have an answer to this question: is it better to love and risk feeling the pain of loss than to not love at all?

As a young person, the answer is obvious: why bother with love if in the end you will end up suffering the pain of loss? As a mature person, the answer is simple: you gain nothing by shying away from pain.

I have always believed in the value of experience. To live life is to make mistakes and then learn from them. But to make mistakes means taking risks and having faith that if you screw up, it's not the end of the world. This is where Ennis del Mar comes up short.

The dilemma for Ennis and Jack is that societal constraints appear as insurmountable obstacles. However, should they succeed in overcoming said obstacles, the consequences could be dire.

"...this thing, it grabs hold of us again, at the wrong place, at the wrong time,and we're dead."

As a gay man who has been out of the closet for several years, I understand where Ennis is comin' from. He's afraid, and worried about being judged. Though the term "hate-crime" had not yet been coined, such crimes were still happening. But, Jack's ideas about gettin' together more often and starting up their own ranch illustrate his willingness to live. He had a dream and he was willing to do whatever it took to make it come true. I admire that.

Ennis and Jack lived a lie. They married women, had kids, got jobs. But they didn't allow themselves to love. Or rather, Ennis didn't allow himself to love Jack. Living a lie, you might as well be dead. That's not life, that's a fantasy made real.

I guess what I'm tryin' to say is that it is better to love than to not love at all because life is only so long (yes, I know that's such a cliche). What have you to gain by bottling up your love and experiencing only loneliness? There is great value in makin' that leap of faith no matter where it will lead you.

Of Passion and Desire

While cleaning out my hard-drive, I found this little poem hidden away in a notepad file. It was written a couple of years ago, so it's a bit rough. Not sure what to do with it now, so I guess I'll just toss it onto my Blog.

---

A fire burns deep within me,
Flames engulfing my every thought.
He is the match,
That lights the fire.
What wonders lie before me,
Treasures untold yet forever sought.
His is the mystery,
That draws me closer.

His soul like an angel,
Enfolds me within.
His voice like music,
Enchants and enthralls.
And eyes like the stars,
Blaze on through the night.

Who is this man?
One so pure and divine?
He whispers to me,
"You'll be with me always,
Never far from my mind.
I long for you now,
And forever into the night."

McGill Students vs Hema-Quebec

Ok so this is a step in the right direction. I'm not going to comment on the actions of the SSMU executives nor the comments released by Queer McGill, but I am going to discuss the actions of Hema-Quebec because therein lies the heart of the problem.

Tell me if this makes any sense to you:

Hema-Quebec says they have a shortage of blood. So they run blood drives to get more blood. But in the screening process, they weed out all the donors who might pose a risk to the blood supply pool. So far so good. You sit down, and answer a number of questions, the likes of which include: have you been in jail, have you injected yourself with drugs, have you sold yourself for sex, etc etc. All reasonable questions. And then there's the doozy: for male donors, have you had sexual contact with another man since 1977? At this point, if you are queer and have had sex with another guy, you are automatically disqualified from donating blood. Ever.

So what's the problem? The problem is that in doing this, Hema-Quebec has chosen to exclude a large portion of the general public from donating blood. Why, you might ask? Because they believe we are a statistically higher risk of being infected with HIV. Now I don't know about them, but I know how to read statistical analyses. And based on what I've seen, men who have sex with other men are at no higher risk of being infected with HIV than women who have sex with men. However, people who have unprotected sex with each other are at higher risk of being infected with HIV. That's the difference.

The question then becomes: if these statistics are correct, then why would Hema-Quebec continue to enforce it's discriminatory policies? The answer is simple, this organization is run by homophobic bigots who have "massaged" the data to fit their needs. They have twisted the stats to show that they are correct in disqualifying all sexually active gay men. How sad. By excluding us from contributing to the blood supply, they have denied patients in need the opportunity to benefit from our blood.

Furthermore, Hema-Quebec claims that there is a possibility that tainted blood from "high risk" groups could slip by their lab screening. I'm not a lab technician, nor am I an expert on viruses, but I would think that one HIV particle is the same as any other, regardless of origin. So it then stands to reason that if a straight woman or man who was HIV-positive donated blood, couldn't that blood possibly get by the screens and make its way into the blood supply? Logically, this makes sense, and it points to a critical flaw in Hema-Quebec's defense. If careful screening of blood cannot be guaranteed, then how can they justify taking blood from anyone? There is thus no reason for Hema-Quebec to discriminate against gays, or anyone else for that matter.

My issue with this situation is that Hema-Quebec continues to whine about not having enough blood to give to recipients in need. Well, if they'd simply revise their policies then there might not be such a tremendous shortage of blood. What they need to do, is to step into the 21st century, look at the changes in behaviour of our current society and then make the necessary changes to their policies. Additionally, they need to make sure that screening of blood is done in a safe and efficient manner so that blood from anyone is properly tested and destroyed should it be found to be contaminated. Only then will it be safe to say that donating blood is truly saving lives.

Wow, my very own Blog...

Well, I finally got lured into doing this...

I always thought it would be a little weird having all my own thoughts published on the web. Hell, I used to criticize others for putting up their "diaries" or "journals" online. But this will not be a diary or a journal. It will simply be a place for me to put up thoughts and discussions I found interesting in my day-to-day life.

Off to a good start, I'll be around...