"I need high ceilings."

Just finished reading Running with Scissors. Excellent book. It's based on the personal memoirs of Augusten Burroughs, a boy who survived quite possibly the most insane and ridiculous childhood ever.

And then I picked up the movie. Not as good, but still good. It gives form to the physical madness that surrounded Augusten at such a young age. Imagine living in a house where the mother eats Kibble, the father uses shit as a way of interpreting God's will, one daughter believes her cat talks to her, and the other daughter is a total free-spirit with a foul mouth (I mean that figuratively). Add to that, mentally ill patients being treated in the house, and you have one twisted childhood.

This book is great because it's a story of survival over adversity. Okay, that's soooo cliche, but oh so true. Augusten is a man of superb resilience and inner strength. Even when the odds were stacked against him, he managed to find humour and wit in his environment, and this unique ability to turn unfortunate circumstances into positive experiences made him a better person than most. Instead of wallowing in what could have rapidly become his own personal hell, he used his talents in writing to keep himself sane. He also provided a much older version of himself with insights into the mind of a teenager who struggled with his demons and those of the people around him.

The reason why you need to read this book is because it shows us just how amazingly simple it is to believe that things will get better. Searching for normalcy is often the path to self-discovery and the revelation that what is normal usually isn't.

Gunslinger

On Saturday, I went to the gun range with Ross and Robin. This is the second time I've been, and I can say with certainty that it's a helluva lot of fun.

The hours before entering the range can be stressful but also exhilarating. Shooting a gun is both dangerous and risky if mishandled or treated with disrespect. But if done right, there is virtually no risk to yourself or anyone else. When you feel the weight of the metal in your hands, you realize just how much power is contained in something so small. And when the trigger is finally squeezed, that realization is hammered home. Pun intended.

The first thing the range officers do with you is hand you your protective gear. This includes safety goggles and ear mufflers. A gun releases a blast at, if I remember correctly, 105dB while permanent hearing loss occurs somewhere around 122dB. The goggles are to protect your eyes from the flying cartridges ejected from the handgun after each shot. These cartridges get heated to over 100 degrees Celsius, but only remain there for about 2 seconds. However, if in those 2 seconds it comes into to contact with your eyes or skin, you can expect a minor burn. (If you ever go, don't wear collared shirts in case the collars act as funnels. And for women, they give t-shirts to those with open cleavage.)

Next they show you how to load the clip with ammo. A box of ammo comes with all the bullets lined up in short rows of 5, and you can pretty much load that many into the clip before the spring gets too hard to insert any more. You slap the clip into the bottom of the gun, pull back the slide, and release. The first bullet is now loaded in the chamber and ready to be discharged through the barrel.

Gripping the gun firmly with your right-hand (assuming you're right-handed), and placing your left-hand in the hollow formed by your fingers on the other side of the gun, slowly move your finger over the trigger and aim. When you're ready, line up the sights and squeeze the trigger. The gun will fire, the cartridge will be ejected, and the gun will recoil. Seems pretty simple, except guns differ in how much you have to squeeze before the bullet is fired. It's like driving a car in manual, you have to learn where the clutch catches.

When the clip is empty, the slide will lock in the open position allowing you to check that it's no longer loaded. Press the eject button on the side of the gun to release the clip, place the gun down facing down-range, and you can reload.

We tried three different guns this time. Ross picked a 9mm Steyr, Robin picked a Glock, and I had a Kimber .45 . Of the three, I like the Kimber the best. Not only does it have a wicked look to it, but the bullets are fairly large and give off a satisfying explosion when discharged. The power of the gun is very impressive by comparison with the 9mm which fires much smaller bullets. It's also a lot easier to control, or so I found, than the 9mm. The Glock was right in the middle, and not too bad overall.

Learning to shoot a gun is something I've always wanted to learn. Maybe that's because I watched all three Die Hard movies one too many times, or maybe because I'm compensating and trying to prove that being gay doesn't mean you are inherently afraid of all things "macho". Either way, I managed to land all my shots in the approximate area that I was aiming for, and I got a bit of "slide-bite" which occurs when the slide slides back and clips a bit of skin off your thumb. Like a sports-injury, it looks kinda cool. :)

Entertainment: Inspiration for Life's Strangest Moments

As a gay man, I used to have this need to identify with something other than myself. That may sound strange, but it's true. I was never entirely sure if I was living my life or someone else's. I suppose that might be due to the fact that for roughly 18 years, I lived 2 lives. One as a secretly fashion-loving fairy, and another as normal straight boy.

This is probably why I'm so addicted to movies like X-Men, Spider-Man, and Superman. I also watch a lot of Smallville (a TV series depicting the teenage life of Clark Kent before he donned the cape and tights). The characters in these shows are hidden from the world, and yet somehow they survive in it. They lead dual-lives, have secret identities and are special in their own little ways.

There were times when I used to dream that my life wasn't my own. That I was special in ways that others are not. Yeah, that's a big egotistical, but also fantastical (yes, that's a word). But when reality set in again, I found that I was not the only one of my "kind", there are others who were just like me. In fact, many young gay men identify very strongly with characters of this type because they are afraid to reveal themselves to the world. Comics in general, use this theme to draw in certain kinds of readers.

The reality of the situation was that the more I tried to identify with characters like Clark Kent and Peter Parker, the more isolated I felt. I wasn't like them, in fact, I'm perfectly normal and not powered by super-abilities. But still I tried. I day-dreamed my way through 18 years of duality. And even though those fantasies remained fantasies, my survival and endurance were real. I gained confidence and inner strength I never knew I had.

The world of entertainment exists for this very purpose. To make us feel like we have role models we can aspire to, people of character and strong moral judgement who rise above the oppression sustained by the general public's fear. These are we people look up to, idolized and revered.

When life throws you a curve ball, the easiest thing to do is retreat into a fictional world where nothing is real, and yet portrays characters in situations that often could be real. That is the magic of television. Which brings me to my point, that even though the worlds we see on the screen are made-up, they can inspire us to better ourselves and to rise above our own problems.

Only Idiots Order from Dell....

.....Sadly, that includes me.

Buying a new computer from Dell is quite the process, let me tell you. It all began in early March when I first approached Dell about purchasing a laptop. I was going to finance it through their leasing company, but later found another leasing company through which I could lease it for cheaper. So the first order was placed, but then cancelled.

A day or so later I placed a second order. Dell's systems, being automated, take a few days to register your order. Until your order is registered, you will be unable to check the status of the order. It basically hangs in some sort of limbo before being turned over to someone for review. Well my second order was misplaced. They say you need to wait a full business week before calling them if you don't see your order number. So I waited. It was now mid-March and my order was still not being processed.

I called them and after much difficulty, managed to speak to a person of importance. I say this because most of the basic sales are handled by idiots in India. That's not to say people from India are idiots, but that the quality of training is incredibly poor. I spoke to this guy named Kiran, and his e-mail signature is such, but answers the phone by the name of Chris. Now tell me, wouldn't that be confusing?

Anyways, several days worth of back and forth and I finally got the order in place. Then I fired off an e-mail to this guy's supervisor and ripped his face right off. I told them I wasn't going to EVER recommend Dell because of its poor service and the immense hassle they put me through. It really pays off to bitch about their reputation because a day later my order was being processed, assembled and shipped. I got my order a week before the estimated ship date because the supervisor assured me he would expedite my order.

The laptop is finally here, and it's awesome. But the effort, holy shit what a gong show.

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I guess I should at least tell you what I got:
Dell Inspiron 9400
Intel Core Duo
ATI Mobility Radeon X1400
2GB Memory
100GB Harddrive at 7200rpm
17" screen

And Windows Vista Home Premium (if you know what "Aero" means then you know why I got this version).