Searching for What's Already There...

Non quia difficilia sunt no audemus, sed quia non audemus, difficilia sunt.
- It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, but because we do not dare things are difficult.

When I was in Junior High, kids used to tease me. They used to make fun of my clothes, my glasses, my ethics, and my home. Because I lived in Mount Royal, I was one of the "rich" kids. I had money, I had parents who cared. I had everything I could possibly want. They assumed I would get a car for my 16th birthday, that I would go to an expensive university in the States, and that I would eventually inherit millions. Why should I be complaining that my life was difficult?

I cannot say that life has never been difficult for me. Yes, there have been times when I wished things were better, that I might be beautiful and wealthy and intelligent. But happiness is more than that. True happiness is to be happy with oneself. To be proud of who we are. As a child, I struggled with homosexuality. I struggled with an aptitude for learning. I struggled with family issues. It was years before I came to terms with each of these issues. These are my life's milestones. Learning to accept that I might be different from others is, and always has been troublesome, but never impossible.

Years ago, I could watch a movie only to come out of it wanting to be like the characters in the story. I wished for super powers, for irresistible charm, for bravery beyond measure. And for days afterwards I'd be those people; I tried to emulate these qualities. And why not? They lived fantastical lives, they got what they wanted, and in the end everything worked out to their benefit. But that's not reality.

I learned very quickly that reality is not like the movies. That life is not so simple as saving the girl (or guy) from danger, struggling with personal conflict and then overcoming all obstacles. Reality is like an unexpectedly cold shower. It hits you with such force that you are jolted to the point that reverie becomes impossible.

And so I began to face my inner demons. I learned self-confidence. It was self-taught, but it came with time. I learned what it meant to be ambitious. To seize what I wanted and to hold onto it for dear life. I learned what it meant to be abandoned. Now there's a lesson you never forget. All these things I forged through my experiences. Extracting meaning from hardship was my way to progress.

One of my ex's (for simplicity, let's call him Bob) said to me as he was dumping me, "How can we be happy if you're not happy with yourself?" My immediate reaction was that he was an arrogant and pompous bastard; how could he claim that I was unhappy in my own life?! How could he possibly know what I was feeling? A year and a half later, I found myself in a similar situation but this time I was not on the receiving end. It wasn't until that point that I realized how right Bob had been. Inner happiness must come before happiness shared with another human being. This is a lesson I live by, a mantra of sorts.

My friends, my family, my health, these are all things that raise the bar for me. They do not give me a reason to live because I already have myself for that. But they make my life richer. Were I to meet someone tomorrow, he would raise the bar even more, but it would not be so that I could reach that base level of happiness, for I'm already there.

"I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands" sings Darren Hayes of Savage Garden. He sings the truth, we put too much emphasis on other people for our own happiness. How many times have you thought you'd be happier on a Friday night if only you had company? We depend on others to make us happy. We rely on them to bring us joy. This need not be the way things go. In fact, it never has to be this way. You are equipped to find happiness in your own life, you just need to learn how to see it.